


Dear James

by ArielFabulous



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Wolfsbane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 23:31:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArielFabulous/pseuds/ArielFabulous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus writes a final confession to his oldest love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear James

# Dear James,

I know you are dead, but I am writing this to you anyway, because I need to tell these things someone, and I can’t bear to let anyone alive know them. Best of all, you can’t respond, so I may be as candid as I please.

You see, I’m dying. It was the Wolfsbane, in the end. The potion that gave me back my life, that made my life worth living. Part of me knew that there had to be consequences to chaining the beast, month after month. That the ingredients were toxic enough, even though supposedly safe in the potion was made correctly. But it appears that, over time, the poisons accumulate in the werewolf’s human body, and my blood is becoming more and more poisonous every full moon. The healer I saw told me that I had to take it every month, because if I didn’t, the transformation would likely kill me, or make the situation… permanent. The only way for my body to deal with my toxic blood would be to become the wolf and never be human again. Apparently, it has been a common side effect of using Wolfsbane almost every month for many years, and a significant number of werewolves are dying because of it. Good to know I’m not alone, eh?

So, the cure is killing me. In many ways, I knew it would. It seemed too good to be true, a way to deal with my “furry little problem” as you called it, and not be a danger to others. But there is always a price, and it is taking its toll. At the worst time, of course.

See, I met a girl. You would have liked Tonks. She is beautiful, funny, madly intelligent, and has a bit of reckless streak. She reminds me of you, with dangerous gleams in her sidelong glances. I suppose I love her because she does remind me of you so much. Though I don’t think about you when we make love… much.

I regret not telling you how much I loved you. I told Sirius, but only after he got back from Azkaban. The look in his eyes, when I told him, it nearly broke me. He could barely look me in the eye. He told me how they always ‘sort of knew’ , and you loved me back, but not quite that way. He held my hand then, and I cried. I hadn’t cried like that since I heard you were dead, seventeen years ago. I cried the tears of wounds that are ripped open after they have been scabbed over with the passage of time. Wounds that healed only because they had to, not because I wanted them to close. I would have bled forever for you. But that is neither here nor there, as you are there and I am here, and I have moved on as much as I am willing to.

But enough of that. I am writing this on the eve of battle. I watch Tonks fussing over our son, and all I see are two casualties of my existence. Two people who will be torn and broken on the inside because of me. I cannot bear to watch it any longer, to watch those who love me risk their lives for me.

I hope I die tonight. That’s what I want to tell you. I want to tell you that I hope they don’t have to watch me, Remus Lupin, father, lover, husband, friend, die and become the wolf. I hope they find happiness in a brighter future than mine, for all I can see ahead is darkness.

Your truest love and friend,

Moony

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY so i'm not really much of a prongs/moony shipper, but I had this idea that remus was very sick and dying when he was killed in the seventh book, and then this happened. hope you liked :)


End file.
